I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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