highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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