I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
