I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
