John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
