my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
