She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
