I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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