You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
