I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
this just has baby written all over it
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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