Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
