I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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