if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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