Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
