the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We left the knife in your bed.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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