You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
