Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
