my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
