these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
