u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
