Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
