I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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