Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
In America we eat man semen.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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