i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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