We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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