listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
