Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
