Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
only you would photoshop your dick
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
