Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize