I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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