dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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