i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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