its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We have started to decorate penises.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
