Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
