i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
