It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
