I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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