Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
