there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
