Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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