it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
