3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
