worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
