eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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