you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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