Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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