....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
