apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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