sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
