don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
