I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
