So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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