I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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