I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
