How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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