There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
