I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
