you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
