Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
