he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
