guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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