I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
