You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
