Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Terrible idea I love it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize