Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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