I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Text me some of your sweat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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