The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
